About 6 weeks ago, I came across a Tweet featuring FOBU or the "Fear Of Breaking Up". I was in the middle of a tumultuous mind and heart battle about my almost-4 year relationship and was drawn to the article. What I found was an honest, straightforward article outlining the paralyzing fear we face about being single.
In short, the article prompted me to really think about my relationship, what I want and what is best for the both of us. I could not stay in a relationship where we did not meet each others needs out of convenience and comfort. There are so many circumstances that can make it seem better to stay together. But there were a few points that really hit home.
Loving someone does not mean he or she is your best match. Jo writes, "Just because a person isn’t right for you in the long-term doesn’t mean that you don’t care deeply for him. Adore him, even". And that was my case. I did and still very, very much love my ex. He is a wonderful young man who has some of the best qualities anyone could ever ask for. That didn't mean we could give each other everything we needed.
But the most important part of the article comes from Tracey , a Manhattan dating coach: “The cure for FOBU is to grow a set of balls, or ovaries, your choice,” Tracey said. “You’re not doing either of you any favors by staying with someone who isn’t right for you. You deserve to be in a relationship where you have fun, feel good about yourself, and are excited to see your partner. Break up and enjoy the freedom that comes with being available for new and exciting options.”
(I did intend for this post to be somewhat funny and witty...let's hope we get there soon).
Aside from the excellent advice, there was a concerning theme through the article: FEAR. As a comfortably 'taken' young woman for the past few years, I was intrigued why so many single people felt fear. Why fear?! There's a whole world of viable young men just waiting to be met!
As I gained the courage to end my relationship, I felt a sense of empowerment. I.Was.Invincible. I was going to cry for a few weeks, finally emerge from my bedroom a transformed and single butterfly ready to conquer the world. Fear was not a question in my mind. I wanted freedom.
Yet as I grapple with my new found freedom, I see exactly the fear this article addresses. I have experienced this roller coaster of emotions of optimism, shortly followed by an anxiety attack in which I will be alone. FOREVER. This intense, paralyzing fear that I will never find another person again in the world. Society will forever pin me as an outcast. I will always have to eat dinner alone in the park. I will never have a wedding date ever again. THE HORROR of all these damn Zoosk ads popping up in my internet.
And then, it subsides. My less dramatic, more rational portion of my brain takes over for a fleeting moment, and while I think I am alone in this traumatic event, I realize I am not. It takes a lot of mental coaching to make it through a breakup. Admittedly, I am having a harder time than I thought. That freedom I so craved can, at times, feel isolating. But alas, the tumult of a breakup far outweighs the casualties of FOBU.
I have a lot of optimism for the future and there are very few doors I ever consider closed. Life in your twenties is not as glamorous as it seems. You crash your car. You spill coffee on your white blouse before a client meeting. You fall down a set of stairs in a skirt and your favorite stilettos. You breakup with someone who means a lot to you. It all happens. It's all traumatic. It's all part of growing up.
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